I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I seem to have lost all interest in tumblr. I guess that will happen when you work on your life instead of just bitching about it online all the time.
Our 3 month visitor from Austria arrived last night. It was good to see him again. We had a good day of work. I have no complaints. I did my job with a smile on my face. Open to any and all suggestions or complaints. I did not go out drinking with everyone after work though. And maybe that doesn’t make me look like a team player, maybe it will keep me from moving up, but I honestly don’t care anymore. It’s starting to sink in that the problem isn’t whether people like me or not, it’s that I give a shit if people like me or not. I’ve spent my entire career trying to make other people money so they appreciate me. Literally, I’m so fucked up in the head I just want someone to tell me they appreciate what I do. Not money, not vacation, not fancy computers or any other bullshit. I just want to feel special. Except it’s not up to them to make me feel special, it’s up to me. It’s on me to create something for myself, to make my life better, and I know it’s not going to be for them. That’s why I’m sitting at my desk coding and not out drinking.
The only thing that matters is myself and by extension D because she’s the only thing that matters in my life. No more fucking around, it’s time to put in the effort to build something for our future together.
I don’t like the person I have to be when I try to get ahead. I don’t like myself. I understand the necessity for it, and for hiding my dislike of office politics, but there will never be a time where I will enjoy any of it. I hate picking sides, my only desire is to do the best job possible. Unfortunately that means I never can because not picking sides keeps me from moving up. I have a tendency to see that sort of situation as an endless nightmare; something dragging me down. I need to start seeing it as motivation to work even harder and free myself from the endless cycle of it.
It’s a bad day when it’s past two and I’m only now putting on my headphones. I guess I shouldn’t complain, as the team grows I do more management and less coding, which is what I wanted. Unfortunately all the most difficult tasks are still assigned to me and they never seem to stop. If I had more time I could reorganize things but instead all I have time for is tackling the critical bugs. I’m so fucking tired and the thought of another weekend working on my own projects makes me want to run away and hide. Such is life though, I’ll never get ahead if I don’t put in the time.
I would give almost anything to be able to call in sick this morning. I have zero desire to work and yet I will because I have responsibilities to take care of. Everyone else in the company doesn’t need to get fucked just because I don’t give a shit anymore.
A part of my brain wants to hate me and give up, but even it can’t deny that I usually do the right thing, the responsible thing. Just because my head is filled with bad thoughts doesn’t make me a bad person. It’s my actions that define me. Realising that is slowly unraveling the mess in my mind.